It was actually really sad to leave, more than I thought. I think it was helpful that it came in waves: I left work and work people on Friday, then Kayesa on Saturday, then split from Lauren and Kim on Saturday, then everyone else on Monday. But in the car ride to Lilongwe on Saturday, after we left Kayesa, which included a fond farewell from the staff to see us off, it first hit. I turned around and said, "Wow. I just left Mchinji. I don't really know what to do with that." to the girls in the back. And it was true, I didn't really know what to make of it.
For all my anxieties going into the trip (most of which hit like a ton of bricks just before leaving), I knew all along on some level that this was the thing that I was supposed to do this summer. But like most everything, I had no idea why and how until it was over.
I feel like I grew up a lot in seven weeks, got over a lot of things--patterns, fears, habits, inhibitions--that I was ready to shed, and identified some other ones as well. The work I was doing really forced me to get out of myself, to ask for help, to be persistent and follow through, to be patient, to admit that I don't already have all the answers or can figure it out alone, most of which are otherwise pretty standard modus operandi.
This was the first time that I had ever really been a foreigner. In some key ways, this was very much doing what many peoples' college study abroad experiences seem to do. I'd never been challenged (or felt challenged) by being an outsider before. I was always traveling somewhere where I knew the language, was with someone always who did, or where everyone I was meeting spoke English. My cultural and other biases hadn't really been put to the test yet either--I am really glad that I could start to see things from other perspectives and not just stay in my own. I was out of my comfort zone a lot, away from many things that keep me grounded (which I now see how much I take them for granted), and had to just keep moving through it all. I had to try things that had been things I was/would have been reluctant (or resistant) to take up at home.
A key reason why I chose to go abroad was to use this as a test run for working internationally, and I think this trip also served that function really well. I definitely think that I could live the expat life from spending those last few nights and some others early on living with expats. But I also have a sense of living in the real "field," and what that means. There are limitations of both settings, but suffice it to say that what I want and think I can handle is much clearer in this regard as well.
Lastly, but certainly not least, I feel like I have a really strong focus on what sort of work I want to do, what interests me, and what I'm hoping for professionally in the future. Some of that is a matter of topic of work (not just about a certain disease or population, but really addressing the distant determinants of health by non-directly health policy related work), some is about level of work and influence (i.e., living in the city as an expat, or in the field more as a direct worker), and some is a matter of what gaps do I see that I need to fill in the next year to get there.
In short, I guess I feel rejuvenated, much clearer about myself and who I want to be professionally and personally. It might not have changed my life, but I'm pretty certain it's changed me.
For all my anxieties going into the trip (most of which hit like a ton of bricks just before leaving), I knew all along on some level that this was the thing that I was supposed to do this summer. But like most everything, I had no idea why and how until it was over.
I feel like I grew up a lot in seven weeks, got over a lot of things--patterns, fears, habits, inhibitions--that I was ready to shed, and identified some other ones as well. The work I was doing really forced me to get out of myself, to ask for help, to be persistent and follow through, to be patient, to admit that I don't already have all the answers or can figure it out alone, most of which are otherwise pretty standard modus operandi.
This was the first time that I had ever really been a foreigner. In some key ways, this was very much doing what many peoples' college study abroad experiences seem to do. I'd never been challenged (or felt challenged) by being an outsider before. I was always traveling somewhere where I knew the language, was with someone always who did, or where everyone I was meeting spoke English. My cultural and other biases hadn't really been put to the test yet either--I am really glad that I could start to see things from other perspectives and not just stay in my own. I was out of my comfort zone a lot, away from many things that keep me grounded (which I now see how much I take them for granted), and had to just keep moving through it all. I had to try things that had been things I was/would have been reluctant (or resistant) to take up at home.
A key reason why I chose to go abroad was to use this as a test run for working internationally, and I think this trip also served that function really well. I definitely think that I could live the expat life from spending those last few nights and some others early on living with expats. But I also have a sense of living in the real "field," and what that means. There are limitations of both settings, but suffice it to say that what I want and think I can handle is much clearer in this regard as well.
Lastly, but certainly not least, I feel like I have a really strong focus on what sort of work I want to do, what interests me, and what I'm hoping for professionally in the future. Some of that is a matter of topic of work (not just about a certain disease or population, but really addressing the distant determinants of health by non-directly health policy related work), some is about level of work and influence (i.e., living in the city as an expat, or in the field more as a direct worker), and some is a matter of what gaps do I see that I need to fill in the next year to get there.
In short, I guess I feel rejuvenated, much clearer about myself and who I want to be professionally and personally. It might not have changed my life, but I'm pretty certain it's changed me.
Labels: Lake Malawi, mchinji, transitions
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